Sigh… Ever since the last Bible study, when I confessed the work that God is doing in my life, Ryan has been used to test me. Last week I wrote a post about how God has freed me from shame and my confidence is now in Him — not in being a perfect parent (among other things). Today I’m being tested again. Will I walk in the freedom I confessed or go back to Egypt and continue living in chains?

Shortly after coming home from school today, Ryan got in trouble. I sent him to his room, then found his schoolwork. I had not yet seen it, so I began to flip through. On the back of one of his pages he had done some drawing. There was the word “No” and the word “Mommy.” The “Mommy” was in large letters and had a big circle with a line through it. Identical to a “No Smoking” sign. Drawing this sign was not unusual for him. He has done it several times before when he didn’t like something, but he’s never put my name in it! I might as well have been stabbed in the heart. I know that parenting isn’t about getting the child’s love, but when you pour in so much affection, work, and time, you certainly hope that your child will like you!  Usually Ryan has a lot to say about the pictures that he draws. There is typically an entire story that goes with a picture. Today, he couldn’t tell his dad why he drew this. So I’m chalking it up to another battle. A battle that I’m not fighting very well at this moment!

Is my security in the love of my child? If so, I’m going to be one depressed girl! Children are selfish and quite simply aren’t going to love all the time. Hey, I don’t even do a good job of loving Ryan all the time! There are times that I’d like to toss him out! But there is One who loves me perfectly. All the time! No matter what I’ve said or done. More than I can begin to imagine.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39

Nothing can separate us from His love. My parenting skills (whether good or bad), the love (or lack of love) of my children, the things I say, or the way I look — none of it will keep Him from loving me. Completely and wholly for He is love and it is out of His love for us that He uses the things of this world to change us to be more and more like Jesus!

When I began writing this, I was still in tears. My heart still felt like a dagger had been pushed in. I was losing the battle. But now that I’ve recognized the Truth and planted my feet in it, I’m feeling a little better. I still have sorrow that Ryan would ever have a desire to demonstrate such dislike for me, but my heart is not crushed anymore! I’m still teary, but I’m smiling, too…

Yet I Will Praise

I will praise You Lord my God,
Even in my brokenness
I will praise
You Lord

I will praise You Lord my God,
Even in my desperation
I will praise
You Lord

And I can understand all that
You allow I just can see the reason

But my life is in Your hands and though
I cannot see, I choose to
trust You

Even when my heart is torn
I will praise (trust) You Lord

Even when I feel deserted I will praise You Lord
Even in the darkest valley I will praise You Lord
When my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God,
Even in my loneliness
I will trust
You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God,
Even when I cannot hear you
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget that you hung on a cross
Lord you bled and
died for me

And if I have to suffer
I know that you’e been there
And I know that you’e here now


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